Mom, the “Everything Else” Manager
I met my husband at work. We continued working for the same company for over a decade. So we speak the same business language and we can’t help but apply that to the running of our household. Hence the Friday afternoon and Sunday night ritual.
Years ago it started that we would have a Friday afternoon phone call before I came home from work with the kids and we’d discuss the upcoming weekend: social events that some or all of us are attending, the logistics related to that (transportation going in two different directions, what food we’re bringing, who’s making it, etc.). We also tend to discuss our wishes; the things we want to do or get accomplished that weekend: a household project, a trip to the record store, or similar.
And then we all assume our respective positions: husband/coparent handles all the routine day to day stuff and I handle the rest. What does that look like? I make sure to have the wrapped gift, the appetizer made, fill water bottles, and put everything we need to take by the front door. During that time, my husband gets the kids fed, dressed, and hair done, and loads the car with the stuff by the front door. We know what time we’re leaving because it’s been discussed. “Party starts at 2, so we need to leave at 1:40.” We miraculously get in the car on time every single time. Because we’re all on the same team, helping each other and working towards the same goal.
But then Sunday night comes, and it’s much more of a silent dance. We have assumed our positions - addressing tasks with our skillsets: Mr. Routine and Mrs. Everything Else. Dad does bath time and pajamas after having taken a small trip to the grocery store to fill in any ingredient gaps we may have. I check the calendar for 1) whatever themed day there may be that week at school 2) what the weather for the week roughly will be 3) and what needs to be taken to school any day that week (permission slip, show and tell item, valentines). They have their clothes/needs pre-set out for the week. Dad takes them in the morning to dress the kids.
I make steadied and purposeful SUNDAY EVENING DECISIONS instead of living off of frazzled MTWThF morning actions. It just sets up the day right. Have you ever unintentionally overslept? There is no recovering from that all day. May as well go back to bed and start again tomorrow.
As a woman serving as self, wife, coparent, parent, daughter, friend, employee and business owner…. it’s hard to do it all. So I do everything in my power to help out future me. Especially when I don’t do the routine stuff. My responsibilities are ALWAYS changing. The best thing I can do is set up and stick to a good self-imposed protocol. I have to run my entire life like a business. If I have to do something very specific next Tuesday (like my son’s day to bring snacks for the whole class), then the moment I find out about that, I put it on my calendar. And then if I think I’m going to forget about it, I make sure the calendar sends a notification email an appropriate amount of days in advance (need a gift? I need 7-10 days pre-reminder; need to bring a stuffed animal for a school performance, then the day before works just fine).
But this system only works if you treat yourself as a department within the overall family dynamic/household (the business). You have “Present/Past you” and “Future you”. And as much as you can get “Present/Past you” to help “Future you” you will find you succeed more. You can just “trust the system” but it relies on you to create and follow your self-imposed system religiously. It’s hard, yet it becomes your routine. But wait, I’m not the routine parent. I’m the “Everything Else” parent. I just have found that adding routine and structure to the inconsistent is my only chance at success.
You also need to make sure your department is functioning at its best, and that’s means the other departments (family members) need to do what they are responsible for. If one person is not fulfilling their role (even if unintentionally because they are struggling lately), it affects the other departments (family members) and the business (household) overall. So we need to work together. And when the goals and projects change (as they should), new conversations and adjustments are made by all. For instance, my son wants to start earning an allowance. His responsibilities will grow, and the parents tasks will adjust accordingly. Because he’s now taking care of the dog, I now have mental labor available for something else.
But, without fail, every few weeks or so, we sort of have an organic “how’s it all going” meeting. You could call it the “airing of grievances” or “I’ve got a bone to pick with you” but what it REALLY is… asking for help when you need it and adjusting accordingly to make sure the entire household (business) succeeds. That emotional check in. We all need it (including the kids).
For instance, last night my husband and I talked about a new set up that we created about a month ago. It’s a true upheaval from our established habits. We both see the benefit so we’re vested, but it’s been hard to make the change. Just a little bumpy. Y’know.. change is hard. But we’re figuring it out because we’re in it together. We give each other grace (because WE’RE ON THE SAME TEAM), yet we get to offer tactful critique without shame or blame. I now do all the dishes whether I use them or not, and he cooks and brings me food or puts it in the fridge for me. My grievance was that I felt I was doing all the dishes, but was still cooking for myself more than I had wished to. We talked out in finer detail what that would/should look like. He asked clarifying questions. For the record, I struggle with the mental and physical energy spent preparing food and cooking it, and he struggles with the relentless kitchen clean up because he eats about five times a day. However, he loves to cook and I am perfectly fine doing the dishes (it makes me feel like I accomplished something, so I get that little dose of the dopamine reward hit). So we’re still working towards the goal, and I got food by 10:30 this morning for his first lunch or second breakfast. I don’t know what time that is for him. I digress….
Additionally, during our talk yesterday we discussed the need for one parent to take the kids out for a few hours every Sunday so the other parent can get some quiet alone time at home to do what they wish: decompress, watch something, read, nap, whatever. Just a break from the parenting responsibilities to set ourselves up better for the week ahead. Sometimes two hours is all you need to feel emotionally reset and mentally fresh. It was decided that work has been a lot harder for him lately than usual so he’ll get a few weeks in a row to rest/rejuvenate because he needs it more than me right now. He said he feels uncomfortable about that, so I promised him that if I start sinking and need a chance to turn “off” on an upcoming Sunday that I promise I’ll speak up for myself. So now, he can guilt-free space out which makes him more relaxed, less stressed, and the kids and I just had a fun outing/bonding moment. And he’s ready to see us when we all get home and I can take a short reprieve after that outing. WE. ALL. WIN. A positive reinforcement loop. I see that as the ULTIMATE adulting goal.
I know running your house like a business isn’t for everyone. But like I said, we worked together in the same business for such a long time that we speak the same sort of language. We plan, act, assess, and adjust. We communicate. We give grace. Actually we talk about that all the time: giving grace. That’ll be a post for another day. But realizing you are all on the same team, and you want what is best for everyone is sometimes all the motivation you need. There is no “I’m such a kick-ass parent'“ trophy or anything. Sometimes in business an employee is out sick or on medical leave and another department has to pick up their extra slack in the meantime. That’s the same as running a family. We all cover for each other, and support each other. Helping everyone individually succeed will result in the the entire family succeeding.
A Friday logistical meeting with a Sunday reset/recalibration can make all the difference in your daily life. I’m curious what are some things you do at your house, so let me know in the comments what works for you!
