The Lie We Tell Ourselves
We lie to ourselves because denial is a helluva drug. But denial means you continue as is. And that’s what the system wants. For you to stay on the treadmill and never looking up at your surroundings.
Struggling. Treading water. Sinking. Drowning. And if you live in U.S. America, no big grandiose ship will be coming your way to save you.
But there are times you really don’t like your status quo. And you say, “something needs to change.” So, you look inwards. That’s what you can control, right? There are many reasons for the sinking struggle but ultimately the fundamental core of it is always: I have too much to do or not enough resources to do it (or most likely, a combination of the two). If only we could just “catch up” and it’d all be so much easier!
No more being in denial, dammit! I need to assess and write all this stuff down so I can start to dig myself out of this avalanche of responsibilities I have.
Let’s make a list! Yes, lists are great! They’re tangible and every single time I cross something off I get that little endorphin buzz. Then it seems that things get a little more organized. I’m not running around like a headless chicken anymore. I still have no head, but I am purposeful with my movements from A to B versus just running around.
Yes! I’m getting caught up! Fabulous!
But you know what? That’s all a lie. Because when you finally get caught up, more shit is thrown your way. And there is still no real safety net or culturally-wide support system. A kid gets sick. Unexpected bill. Injury. A pandemic. Job loss. Death in the family. A call from the school. And BOOM!, you’re now more than waist deep in the water again.
There is no catching up.
There is no getting ahead. It’s American life. And the only thing you can do is find and hold the healthy boundaries that work for you. And build your own network of support through friends and family. Get off the treadmill. Don’t just look up, GET OFF and take a break. Catch your breath. Give yourself more fully to your people. To do that, the hardest part is learning when and how to say NO.
No is powerful. “I will no longer accept this. Things needs to change.”
Eventually you’ll find yourself taking on less responsibilities and fulfilling others’ expectations of you. There’s no hole to dig out of if you never put yourself in a hole in the first place. Remember, you got off the treadmill to catch your breath. Smell some flowers.
Just because I’m not busy, doesn’t mean I’m available. Just because it’s “always been done that way” doesn’t mean that’s how I’m going to do it. Just because our society has tried to pigeon hole people into fulfilling their expected role DOES NOT MEAN THAT I WILL.
Say NO. You can still be gracious about it. But stop lying to yourself. Stop the denial and listen to yourself first. You are the only real person you have when everything is removed. And life is a lot more enjoyable if you like that person and they’re happier. The inner voice that says “I don’t really feel like doing that” needs you to listen. It’s whispering to you and it’s pretty noisy all around, so you can’t hear it. Either remove the noise or give yourself a metaphorical microphone to overpower the noise. Fact is - either way you want to approach it, it’s still learning how to push back against social norms.
It’s “No.”
Obviously there are real-life responsibilities and in the U.S.A. the amount people and financial support in your safety net(work) can create a make-it or break-it scenario. I’m well aware that some have it easier than others. But that doesn’t automatically mean their grass is greener.
So you say “something needs to change.” But now it’s time to look outwardly. And you start to connect the dots and realize that everyone needs help. It doesn’t have to be “every person for themselves.” Hell.. it SHOULDN’T be that way.
So you make a list of things you can do. That’s what you can control, right? And the cycle continues. “I will no longer accept this. Things needs to change.” But this time you realize you’re trying to work with others to build that grandiose ship. If we can’t be saved, then dammit I want to at least ATTEMPT to save my descendants from this chaos. They deserve better than what we have.
When I was 12 or so, I had read John Lennon’s quote, “Life is what happens when you’re busy making other plans.” I’m not typically in the habit of quoting rich white men but he wasn’t always rich and he seemed to say some pretty great stuff near the end of his life, so I’ll take it. Because he’s right. You can plan all you want for this or that, but that’s not what life really is. It’s the in between stuff. It’s the daily stuff. The bedtime stories and the hugs and kisses before everyone in the family goes their separate ways for the day. And we all deserve to be able to rest our heads at night not dreading what tomorrow may hold.
Stop lying to yourself. There’s no catching up. This is just your life. Remove some noise. It’s hard at first. But the you and the world will be better for it.
